Bartender, apologies for everyone

When people ask me about this blog, I tell them it's intended to piss off two kinds of people-- Republicans and Democrats.  Lately, I've been thinking that's too narrow. It's really intended to piss off two kinds of people -- men and women.

Last week's attempt to piss off women may have backfired (How to insult women). All of the comments and messages I received were from women and all were positive. Allowing for the possibility that I didn't hear from those were offended (a non-respondent bias in statistical terms), I would like to apologize for implying that women should differentiate between a few joking references to their gender and the rape culture that seems to permeate college campuses. (I was pleased that 30% of readers clicked to watch the included video.)

While I'm in an apologetic mood, I would also like to apologize to gun rights advocates for suggesting that we amend the Constitution following the Sandy Hook shooting (The US Constitution was designed to be amended) and for providing a legal brief to undermine the claim that individual gun rights are supported by the Second Amendment (The Right to Bear Arms: anAmerican Evolution).

Sorry to all of you who are “Feelin’ the Bern” for my assertion that, were Sen. Sanders proposals adopted, the US economy would be flushed down the toilet and for further suggesting that those who don't know that are either “ignorant or stupid”. (Let’s Understand Just What Socialism Means to Us) By the way, if you're disappointed Bernie won't be in the White House next year, you could always move to Venezuela. I suggest you pack a lunch.

To those who think we should build a wall along the Mexican border, I apologize for suggesting the opposite (Open the Border! Wait, It's Already Open!)

To all you Pro-lifers, I am sorry for exposing the unconstitutional and unaccountable practices of lawmakers and police who deprive women not only of their reproductive rights but also their freedom (Orphan Black, Margaret Atwood and a Woman’s Right to Choose).  And, while I am on the subject, I should also apologize for calling out Republicans for the hypocrisy of advocating that government stay out of our lives while supporting the agenda of the Religious Right (Strange Bedfellows: Conservatives and the Religious Right).

So long as I am talking to you, I should also apologize for suggesting that the subject of gay marriage is not about your religion.  It's about love.  (It's Not Religion... It's Not Politics... It's Personal)

To all you liberal New Yorkers, I would like to say I'm sorry for dissing our governor whose policies that purport to promote business are actually driving businesses to leave the state (The Hunger Games: not everyone is a winner). His ban on fracking doesn't help (Fracking, New YorkTaxes and Twitter).

 

To you climate change deniers, I offer my apology for saying that you haven't a leg to stand on (Kurt Vonnegut, Enrico Fermi and Climate Change).

To Europeans, who are whistling in the dark when it comes to dealing with Russian aggression, I apologize for comparing you to Chamberlain, the great appeaser (What’s Russia Really Up To?).

To those of you who think America is in decline, I apologize for espousing the view that America should be celebrated for its freedoms, including its model of economic freedom (The American Dream is Alive and Well).  What has failed us is the Blue State model of high taxes and overregulation.  Oops!  Sorry again!

While I am on the subject, I suppose I should apologize for the sacrilege of my claim that raising the minimum wage and expanding 60’s era anti-poverty programs are a waste of effort (Obama, SNAP and Conservative Americans).  Sacrilegious though it may be, I still struggle to understand how the programs that have led to more poverty in the 20^th Century will do any better in the 21^st.   Sorry.

 

And I am sorry for pointing out to labor union liberals that your model hasn't worked since the 1950's and it won’t work now (The Disunion of ‘dis Union).  Ditto to those married to our outlandishly expensive and closed-minded university system (When Will the University Bubble Burst?).

If you're among those who think that capitalism is evil, I am sorry for asserting that the only economic system that can generate the money needed to address society’s ills is free market capitalism (Time Travel and Our Social Welfare). Further, I should apologize for suggesting you have the luxury of complaining about our system because the system has improved your lives (otherwise you’d be too busy working to have the time to complain).

Now, if you detect a note of sarcasm in all these words of contrition, you're right on.

However, there is one group to which I offer my most sincere apology -- the 73,138 of you who have taken the time to visit my website, read, click and comment. 

Why am I apologizing to you?

Because...        I...         Am...    Done!

WHO WILL LEAD?

How to insult women

Boy, she did you a favor

I grew up on Long Island where insults are stock and trade.  Find a weakness and exploit it.  That was the ethic.  Whatever your ethnic group, ancestry, religion or skin tone might be, you should expect it to be attacked.  If you couldn’t handle it, you were unworthy.

Although I try to reel it in, the tendency still shows up when I let my authentic self out of its pen.  My sense of humor can be biting. 

Men in nearly all cultures thrive on insults.  Some years ago, I signed a new client in my office.  Spotting a picture of my beautiful wife and me on the credenza, he said, “Boy, she did you a favor!”  It was a perfect ‘guy comment’ – both a compliment and an insult at the same time. 

My family is mostly male.  I grew up with two brothers, fathered two sons (one of whom is married to a man) and just became a grandfather to – you guessed it – another boy.  So, the Calia Y-chromosome of my paternal grandfather will carry on for at least another generation. 

What comes of all this masculinity?  Lots of insults, all meant in fun.  It’s how we bond. 

The entry of significant numbers of women into the professional ranks of the workforce beginning in the 1970’s changed the dynamic.  Court rulings have imposed a degree of risk on employers who must reign in a “hostile work environment” or face the consequences. 

I would personally argue that hostility comes in many forms and, while language is certainly part of the puzzle, it is not the final determinant.  Everything must be looked at in the context of a relationship. 

The coach assigned to help me launch a Vistage peer group pulled no punches.  She hit me right between the eyes with every comment and criticism.  She correctly perceived it was just what I needed.  Upon our success in launching the group, I sent her a certificate that granted her the title “No Bulls--t Broad”.  She was delighted at the joke and displayed the certificate prominently in her cubicle. 

Leaders of the pack

Absent our relationship, referring to a woman as a broad would be disparaging, at least since the Rat Pack passed into the annals of history. 

Still, I wonder where and how we should draw a line?  I mean if it’s okay to read ‘chick lit’ or take a date to a ‘chick flick’, why isn’t it okay to call a woman a chick?  And, is the blurry line between jocular fun and the damaging rhetoric of today’s pop culture contributing to a much larger problem?

This past week, the light sentence received by a white student-athlete at Stanford University for a rape he committed has caused a national outrage.  Refusing to be silent, the rape victim has written an open letter expressing her feelings.  It’s a powerful document that will resonate with everyone who enjoys a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex – father/daughter, brother/sister, husband/wife.

Its power has been enhanced by a video in which  the staff of the New York Daily news reading the letter aloud.

Here it is.  Prepared to be stunned.

I once served on the board of a Florida non-profit, Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse (AVDA).  The greatest challenge we faced was the silence of the victims.  So, the courage of the Stanford victim’s letter and the importance of its attention from the media and prominent people are not lost on me. 

Jesse Wallin (Stanford class of ‘08) founded an organization called Men Against Abuse Now (MAAN) in 2007.  Its web page begins with a prescription for “What Men Can Do…” reflecting that “words are powerful” and that “We live in a society in which words are often used to put women down, where calling a girl or woman a “bitch,” “freak,” “whore,” “baby,” or “dog” is common.”

So, I wonder.  Was I treating my female colleague as an equal when I gave her a compliment that was also an insult?  After all, that’s how I would have treated a male colleague.  Or, was my language contributing to a national problem? 

There’s a larger question for society, of course.  Will the Stanford rape case coalesce the efforts of organizations like AVDA and MAAN around a cultural shift that will make such events less likely?

I would like to think so.  But I’ve been wrong before.  I incorrectly predicted that the Newtown shooting would change our attitude about guns.

What do you think?